Funnies

Here are a few good jokes from the past month as told by the late night comedians. Enjoy!

Jay Leno: "President Obama last night ordered 30,000 more troops in Afghanistan to fight the Taliban, but on an 18-month timetable. In a related story, the Taliban announced they are on a 19-month timetable."

Jay Leno: "The good news, Obama said he expects to start bringing our troops home in two years. ... The bad news, Bush said the same thing seven years ago."

Craig Ferguson: "Everybody's talking about President Obama's speech last night. ... He's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize."

Stephen Colbert: "Yesterday, the Dems officially dropped from the Senate healthcare bill both the public option and an alternate plan for 55 to 65 year olds to buy into Medicare. At this point, the only reform left in the bill is government-mandated post-appointment lollipops."

Conan O'Brien: "During an interview last night, Oprah Winfrey asked President Obama what grade he would give himself for his first year in office and he said a 'B-plus.' ... Then, Oprah shook her head and said, 'I didn't pay for a B-plus.'"

Conan O'Brien: "A new poll asked Americans who their ideal next-door neighbor would be. The number one answer was the Obama family...mainly because the Obamas are the kind of neighbors who would lend you a cup of sugar or a trillion dollars."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Congratulations to President Obama on becoming an uncle. His brother-in-law, Craig Robinson, and his wife just had a son in Oregon. Or so they claim. Lou Dobbs is demanding to see the birth certificate."

Jon Stewart: "I know that the Yemen thing complicates the war on terror, but on the plus side, getting attacked is really the only way we Americans learn about world geography."

Jimmy Fallon: "Everyone around the country is still focused on healthcare. President Obama recently said, 'We've spent so much time talking about the House bill versus the Senate bill that we haven't been able to talk about how great the bill is overall.' Then someone asked him how great it was and he was like, 'Not that great.'"

Jay Leno: "Well, this is kind of embarrassing. At a speech to school kids in an elementary school in Virginia, President Obama used the teleprompter. He had a teleprompter set up to talk to the kids. The topic of the speech: Never taking the easy way out by bringing a cheat sheet to school."

Jimmy Fallon: "Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best Actor nominees included George Clooney for 'Up in the Air,' Jeremy Renner...for 'The Hurt Locker,' and President Obama for the 'State of the Union.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "I read in 'The New York Times' that the Obama Administration is planning huge changes to President Bush's 'No Child Left Behind' law. The new law will be called, 'Let's Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.'"

Jay Leno: "Here is a historical fact. It was on this day in 1690, the first paper...money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the Federal government was born."

David Letterman: "President Obama's having a big Super Bowl party. This is very shrewd. He has invited a group of Republicans to come to the White House for his Super Bowl party. He's going to seat the 'you lie' guy next to the 'not true' guy."

I hope you enjoyed these, had a laugh or two, and that it brightens your day!

Not Quite the Commedian Yet

At dinner Jackson decides to play comedian. It went like this:
Jacks: "I want to tell a joke."
Me: "Ok, tell one."
Jack: "Why did the tree talk?"
Me: "I dont know. Why?"
Jack: "because it had long branches."
Me: "what? that doesn't make sense."
Jack: "Oh, I mean it has a mouth.:
Me: "still doesn't make sense."
Jack: "I didn't say anything about sense."

I laughed. He didn't get the humor. So much for the joke.

How many miles from home am I?

What feels better than getting up to go for an early morning run? Dont answer that, and shame on you for thinking what you just did.

This morning, after having stayed up late watching the Olympics, I got up early and hit the pavement for a nice morning run. I had planned to put in my 4.2 mile route. In retrospect, I should have chosen a shorter path.

All went well for about the first 3 miles, but then I got that feeling. Have you ever been out and felt the need to get home ASAP? Yeah; that was me. I think you know what I mean.

A quick look at the road informed me that I had over a mile to go. Meanwhile my body was in disagreement. My mind was telling me that I had better have the speed of the Jamaican sprinter, Usain Bolt, yet my stomach was cordially warned me that I'd better keep this to a snails pace or it would be filing a protest. That, I must say, is an awful feeling.
Anyway, I buckled down and did my best Usain impression. Somehow I dont think I made it look as easy as he does, but I think I would have given him a run for his money in China!
The satisfaction of having actually gotten up early for a run was only outweighed by the satisfaction of having made it back!

PS: If you're totally lost on this on, I was never so excited to see my house, having prairie dogged it all the way home. Dont know what that means? Watch the 2001 remake of Rat Race and wait for Jon Lovitz's character to have Prairie dogging explained to him. Very funny stuff. Although it's only a few seconds long, it's probably one of the funnier parts of the movie. Strangely enough, it's not funny when the jokes on you!

Follow-up: My mind and stomach have worked out an agreement to settle any disputes pre-run from now on. That should keep any mid-run disagreements to a minimum.